The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
