my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
