i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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