So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
