I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
