Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She's not a foreskin expert like you
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
