even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
