It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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