Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
