just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize