Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
