proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
