A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
