Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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