The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
