Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
