I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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