You just made me feel so damn special
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
