I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
