can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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