I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
