walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
