I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize