I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
