i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
