It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
