false alarm. still invincible.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Two words: blizzard sex
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
