My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
