cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
