I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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