How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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