My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
