Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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