if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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