My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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