So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
