If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize