fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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