Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
