It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My ass is underappreciated
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
