Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
BRING THE BAGELS
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
