i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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