Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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