you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
