Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
