I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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