Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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