Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
