It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
