just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
