Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
