i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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