I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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