Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
