The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
