I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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