I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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