Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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