had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
