haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
