I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
