I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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