So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
