I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
