if only i could text you this smell
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
