her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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