Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
